If God is a DJ...

then life is the dancefloor,
and the things we do and the things we love are the music...

and my music come in many different colors and shapes, like the way i like it...

.....this little thing called love......

They say, it comes in different sizes and shapes, colours and patterns, and sometime with melodious tune too....

There is undying love, there is part-time love, there is a crazy love (the type that you stalk your prey, until they panic and just give in)

Some sacrifice time to be with the loved one.
Some sacrifice lifetime savings to be with the cherished one.
Some sacrifice self-identity to be the person the loved one wants.
All i can see is a couple doing this. A couple doing that.

Spring is definately in the air.
So is the FLu.
I definately end up with the Flu.

Funny, as I always take care of myself better (aside from the excessive caffeine, those sleepless night, excessive "jus", constant running around in 12cm heels, etc, etc, OK,OK i should have take care of ME better)

Because in my case, i love... ME.

Yes, yes, I can imagine my friends already start rolling their eyes upwards and say PUH-leez, even recently i receive a comment from someone I don't know, that I'm being a narcisstic, so i would like to clarify and confrim, i repeat, i would like to clarify, that in fact.. YES, I AM (narcisstic)

But I AM and I DO. Sometime I love ME so much I want to hug myself. I want ME to be happy. I want ME to have the better shoes. I want ME to have a better clothing. I want me to have a 500-counted egyptian cotton bed sheet. I want ME to feel better. I want ME to be Happy.

Once, a Tarot Card reader said that it is not healthy for me to love myself too much. And apparently, my friends that present at that time, readily agreed to what he said, given their silent nod, repetedly keep nodding and nodding, I should get offended, hei?

But then again, Why can't I love myself?
If I, myself, can't even love ME, how can I let someone else love ME?
Or worse, if I can't even love ME, how can I even love anybody else?

Shouldn't a person be able to stand in front of the mirror, and said:
I am lucky to be me, and I love being me.
(except, there are mornings, that, I did wish for a porelss skin, and a silky long hair sometimes, but one or two little wish still OK, right?)

If a person stand up in front of the mirror, and does not even love what he/she sees in the mirror....

How can he/she start his/her morning with a smile?
How can he/she doing the daily chores and works with joy?
How can he/she fill his/her heart with love?

If a person does not love oneself, does he/she not often doubt what other people see in him/herself?

If a person doubt what other people sees in him/herself, how can he/she not live in fear and insecurity?

If a person start to live in fear and insecurity, how could one be truly happy and make others happy?

If a person could not be truly happy and make others happy, how could one stare their own reflection in the mirror?

If a person does not like the reflection staring back from the mirror, how can he/she wish someone else to love his/her reflection in real life?

To love is a good thing,
To be loved is a greatest thing,

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away,
And, to love and be loved in return, is.... Breathtaking.

Don't we all want to love and be love in return?

Everything you need to make you happy in this world is inside you...

so I say...
Love yourself....
Take care of yourself.....



cause...
Flu is in the air......

They say....Comparison robs you of contentment

I say.... Contentment is sooo overrated anyway.


Emerson once said, Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

I am sooo totally agree with that.


Serene and high spirit. My two best friend.


Until something happened. Yesterday.


Instead of my normal 2 hours spent in front of mirror, perfecting my ensamble (it is always perfect, mind you...... except yesterday. Truly.) I decided to do casual. Who am I kidding? I am not the person who can carry off a CASUAL, and still look chic and stylish. Uh-Uh.

Whoever is channeling CASUAL and still look hot and hip, is definitely spent more than 2 hours. or she is a BIG FAT LIAR. ..... or unless, CASUAL, and look like a total crap (that i believe).
It happened to me. Yesterday. (look like crap, I mean)

So this happened when.....

I was CASUALLy lounging at the lobby of my office building, with my CASUAL FLAT shoes and CASUAL black cardigan, waiting for the rain to stop (i usually love rainy day, its my favourite season, except yesterday). I was CASUALLy checking on my blackberry (it wasn't even beeping, it only look cool if i looked busy). And, I was CASUALly flipping my hair (Btw, even my hair doing a CASUAL look yesterday, it look FLAT. CASUAL FLAT). And, i was CASUALLy laughing at something my friends said that i think was funny (It was funny, OK?! How desperate do you think i am to just laugh on anything? Do you think I'm desperate to attract attention? And, believe me, I'm not just being polite. I'm not even a polite person. C'mon give me more credit, will ya?)

Anyway...

The most beautiful man in my life (I have the tendency to over-dramatize things, but i swear, he IS beautiful, not even the word handsome is suffice to describe the beauty of him)...... passed by.

I tell you, all serene and high spirit were out of the door. Enter: blunders and absurdities.

I was gawking. Literally GAWKING. and yes, open mouthed gawk.

He did this little cute smile and checking his blackberry (I know for sure, it wasn't beeping either. So he try to look cool too, eh?) - I would like to think that he throw that c'mon-baby-little smile to my direction. But then i remember something. Not something. But everything.....

MY FLAT Laugh. .... i mean My CASUAL Laugh, My CASUAL hair, My CASUAL attire, My CASUAL sitting (yes, i wasn't even sitting elegantly, that shows off my long leg)........ and MY FLAT MAKEUP (smudge and all)

The next thing i did was, aside being insecure and paranoia starts to crept in (well i suppose to smile back at him, but did i do that? NOOO......... *chicken*) checking my surrounding, is there any girl pulling those cheap short skirt stunt (Oops, it was me who wear the short skirt). Is there any poreless bitch throwing trashy smile? Is there a skank try to do Do-It-To-ME-Baby-smile to MY beautiful man? (yes, he is MY beautiful man)

Is he looking at another girl? is he smiling to another girl? is he interested in a particular girl? Is he going home with this particular girl? Is he sleeping with that bitch?

Whoa.

Suddenly its highschool again. Who got a better car from daddy. Who got to go holiday with mommy more often. Who got to date the basketball captain. Who dare to wear the micro miniskirt first. Who wear the highest stilettos first.

Sadly to say, ladies, we have not evolved too far from our teenage year (those years when we still have braces, raging back-ne and raging hormone). At least I have not evolve too far from my teenage years.

Our toys might be evolving, but game is still the same. And the game is always ON.

And if we took a step back a bit, who to say that the game has to be OFF, to get our contentment? Is it only one way to get contentment? by NOT COMPARING? (its one way, sure, but is it the only way?) . Don't we all got that GLOW of happiness and RADIANCE of gladness, all the same, when we turn left and right, and turn out we wear the better T-bar Choco Snakeskin stilletos? Don't we get the same bubble of Joy and Giddiness? The same joy and giddiness that drive you to be a better woman? (OK, Choco Stilettos, does not make you a better woman, but it always start with better presentation, isn't it? Baby steps...)

So, whats the deal?

Is contentment is really enough to make one happy? Or do we still need that Joy and Giddiness? Can you really enjoy contentment and really being happy by wearing an I've-seen-a-better-day jumpsuit and faux Crocs, compare to the satisfaction of wearing the latest stilettos and spring collection of Tracy Reese's dresses? Don't you think so?

Isn't life comprises of moments. moment of satisfaction. gladness. and happiness.

Except, moments like ... Yesterday.

Pride and Prejudice

"No," said Darcy, "I have made no such pretension. I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding— certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of other so soon as I ought, nor their offenses against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost, is lost forever."

"That is a failing indeed!" cried Elizabeth. "Implacable resentment is a shade in a character. But you have chosen your fault well. I really cannot laugh at it. You are safe from me."
"There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil— a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome."

"And your defect is a propensity to hate everybody."
"And yours," he replied with a smile, "is willfully to misunderstand them."

-Chapter 11, Pride and prejudice, Jane Austen-


Truthfully i felt skeptical when first -J- ask me to watch the 5 hours long BBC production movie. C'mon. 5 HOURS. But at the first half hour i was hooked. by Mr Darcy. and his British accent.

Mr.Darcy is the image rich handsome dashing proud man who has bitter, brittle and brooding disposition and temper. The image still represent the universal bad boy even today. Only men these day equipped themselves with Armani charcoal suit instead of great coat and hessian. European sports car instead of stallion and crop. Titanium Dopod O2 instead of pocket watch. But the game and the rule still the same.

Anyway, enough about the boy and the romance.

We are past that. But i was more intrigue by the essences of the movie. Pride & Prejudice.

If you ask yourself, how often do you think you have been behaving as Mr.Darcy, as accused by Miss Bennet, think we are better than other people - always resentful and hateful?
How often have you ever think someone else family member is embarrassing?
How often have you ever think someone else wear clothes that is so yesterday?
How often have you ever think that someone else does not work as hard as you?

If you ask yourself, how often do you think you have been behaving as Miss Lizzie Bennet, as accused by Mr. Darcy, willfully misunderstand people?
How often do we judge someone airbrained just because she is wearing red shoes instead of conventional black one?
How often do we judge someone not working hard just because his father has more prestigious last name?
How often do we judge someone is not happy just because she married someone ordinary?
How often do we judge someone has not experience pain just because she has everything?

How often have you ever think that we know what's best for other people, as Mr Darcy to Mr Bingley?

Are we that arrogant to think we know what is best for other people?
Before we advising people, have you look in the mirror and ask, Do we even know our self?

How often do we label a person before even give yourself a chance to know the person better?

When was the last time you really look into someone eyes and see pain there before labelling the colour of her shoes? When was the last time you really hold someone hand and feel the tremble there before labelling her a rich spoilt brat? When was the last time you really offer your ear or shoulder to cry on before labelling someone a tramp?

Once, i receive a mail from a friend, short but deep in meaning. I don't remember a lot of fwd: email, but this one carved in my heart. Resentment and hate build in one's heart because it is not yet filled with love. Lack of love create defense, called pride.
Arrogance, willfulness and Not Knowing create judgement, called prejudice.

I see, hear and experience to much resentment and hate around me, that i absolutely think that the world will do better with more forgiveness and sweetness to go on. After all someone self-sufficient like Mr Darcy eventually needs the love from Miss Bennet.

And as time goes by, Miss Bennet get to know, learn and finally accepted that behind the moody and brooding, there lies a selfless and tenderness in Mr Darcy, and without him by her side, her life will be lonely.

So, the next time we want to sneer on someone embarrassing relative, embarrassing table manner, embarrassing job, embarrassing boyfriend, please ask yourself,
what is you heart filled with?

And the next time you meet someone new. Look into her eyes.

Our brain is like a prostitute

... it takes everything in, and
... it justifies everything we do.

Do i need to explain about our brain takes everything in? okay, not the geometric and math formulas, i still can fathom how it ever penetrate any of the good student's brain. But aside that, almost everything.

Did you ever say "no" when the girl sitting next to you whispering about the boss? No? I rest my case. (Yah, the lower the whisper, the better)

Do you think the information always accurate? No.
But did you reject take the information in?No.



Have you ever caught with one of your hand inside the cookie jar, when your mum specifically tell you not even blink near it, let alone caught your dirty filthy hand attempting the forbidden?

Have you ever fell down the steps that landed you on your sweet bum?

Have your friend ever caught the Chinese delivery boxes in your dustbin, when you have spent the entire 2 hours during dinner to impress him/her that you can cook gourmet?

Have you ever made mistakes at works that unfortunately beyond redemption - your boss proudly completed the hardcore report and 3 weeks later you realize your part in that report has tiny miny error but can make the whole team look like imbeciles - a tiny miny error such as unable to count days properly? - ok, lets not go there, i am still on therapy for this one.

If you have not, what are you doing here, you are not normal. Go Away.

See, i try to justify myself normal again, when in truth i may be the obsessive possessive compulsive controlling psychopath bi#$@

Anyway,

Do you still remember the chill creeping down your spine when your mum called your full name when your hand inside the jar? Seconds before that, you suddenly develop sixth sense to look behind you. But your greediness exceed your sudden extra-sensory perception ability. What is the first thing you do?

No, not asking your mum to look flying pig behind her.
I outgrew that when i was 3. That day i learn that my mum has strong arm. My bum and her arm acquainted that day. And, also not that excuse you saw a rat in the jar. Puh-leez. You saw a rat and you willingly put your arm in it?

But the next step. When you try to justify your doing. When you tell your mum you took the cookie so your overweight and high-cholesterol-ed dad could not eat it. That you doing it for your brothers' teeth. Its all about self sacrifice. Right.

What did you pretend saying to the people around you when you fell? Even though it hurt like hell and truthfully embarrassing to your very core, you try to gather the scape of your last dignity by pretending you did it on purpose just to be funny?

Nobody believe you anyway, I still regret why i didn't pretend to faint at that time, being anemic is way cooler than having unsyncronized motoric muscles- but at that time i didn't think. I panic, ok?

Then you start blaming the floor is too slippery, the janitor didn't do his job properly.

About the Chinese delivery, who am i try to fool anyway, i don't cook, i microwave, everyone knows that. Thank God i didn't think to find excuse further, and come clean on the spot. But since then, nobody believe i can cook nomore.

Like i say, leave the explanation regarding the report alone. I am not ready. My confidence shattered into pieces, my mental still scarred. Why didn't my reviewers review it properly?? (Try to justify here... but ......OKAY, because your reviewers didn't think you that idiotic to not able counting 1,2,3,...doh)


Okay, this are examples of harmless justification.

What about the one you try to cheat the test because you justify that you are having mind block? or that the lecturer did not explain this properly? or it is not in the pre-test questions? You want to live your life by cheating?

What about when you try to swipe your credit card too much and justify that you are rewarding yourself? You want to live choked by bills?

What about when your friends over you one or two happy pill? Did you take it and justify that everyone try it once anyway? When your overdosed friends died in vain, do you want to accompany them too?

Then, what about if you try to drink and drive and you try to justify that it is only a couple of tequila shots, but you forget about your empty stomach and your fatiqueness from work? Do you not want to live?



Be careful of your thought, it will become words
Be careful of your words, it will become actions
Be careful of your actions, it will become habits
Be careful of your habits, it will become characters
Be careful of your characters...

It becomes your destiny

I am strong. I am tough.

But i still wear my eyeliner.

.. and my mascara
.. and my foundation
.. and my eye bag concealer
.. and my heels
.. and i change my clothes at least 3 times before I’m good to go
.. did i mentioned that I also change my heels 3 times..
.. and my bags? (Don't even go there)

This is my life of insecurities and paranoia.

Welcome.

I may blame it on my parents for bringing me into this world as second child.
Thus, I grow up with the need and fixation to obtain approval from everyone and anyone. Of doing everything and anything.

known as middle child syndrome

Why can’t I be egomaniac first child that gets everything his heart desire?
Why can’t I be spoilt brat youngest child who gets away with every mischief done?
Why? Why?

Why I have to be the responsible one? The independent one?

Ok, not exactly independent, since I still live under my parent’s roof and has a maid that do all the cleaning, not exactly really responsible as well, since once, I use the electricity money to buy new Steve Madden 9cm open-toed-blood-red stilettos. But did I mention how fabulous it looks on my feet together with my new recently Jet Black painted toes?

The questions of the whys has been, is and will keep haunting us.

It may start in pre-shool with why is the girl next to us have better lunchbox, and we become embarrassed showing the content of ours (the early paranoia starting to develop)

Why our hair bow is not as hip and neat as that girl in the other class, and we become embarrassed to wear hair bow at all (the early rebellion starting to develop)

Why is her boyfriend cooler than mine?
Why are their grades is better than mine?
Why is her body is hotter than mine?
Why are they hang out in a better clubs?
Why is his career pays better?
Why is he get along with the boss better?
Why he got higher raise and promotion?
Why is she getting married first?

Before we know it we become paranoid. Worse case paranoid and bitter.
Worst - paranoid, bitter and alone.

We become paranoid if our life will not becoming any better.
We become paranoid if our life will not be good enough as the next person.
We become paranoid if our life will not as exciting as the next person.
The list will go on.

But why do we have to wait what will become our life?
It is already happening. So stop waiting.
We only have one life to live.

and it is already starting...

so what if your life full of tragedy instead of strawberry?
Everyone has their own tragedy.
Yes, even the heiress listed in the Forbes list.
Yes, even that girl you hate in the office.

Its only the matter how we live with our tragedy.
Do we choose to be the person who mop and sob around everybody
or do we choose to stand strong, and learn from our tragedy?

Do we victimize ourselves and looking for people's pity?
or do we held our head high while facing the reality?

Yes, live doesn't always happened as how we would like or how we planned
Yes, sometimes it gets rough and we don't know how to go on
Yes, sometimes it hurts and we don't know how to go through it
but then again, this is part of growing up and growing strong

So what if we stumble here and there,
the most important is how we stand up after our stumble
the most important is how we learn it, love it and live with it
(ok, we don't have to love it, but at least we have to learn it)

So what if our name is never mentioned in any newspaper or even company newsletter
So what if our name will never the biggest and evolutionary names in the history
the most important is who we share our story with
the most important is we have someone to share our story with
the most important is we have a story to tell
and the story how we stand tall after it all

because
We are survivor.


(this is for my best friend, CA, who stand tall after it all)

My greatest love affair with two persons named Charles&Keith

Stilletos.

A word that most boys do not understand why we girls so obssessed with, since we hit our puberty. Or even younger than that.

Unless of course for those girls who choose the goth look. but then again didnt manolo create the black leather patent with 9 inch stilletos? or was it Lacroix? arent they better than the doc mart you inherited from your mom?

This obsession also didnt apply for girls who is animal lover. You cant really imagine wearing red suede pump with rabbit fur trimming, can you?

And for girls who are athletes, you got limited choices between reebok or nike or adidas. Unfortunately those designers of nike etc is not inspired enough to make nike air max wright with heels. Well, the stilletos are sacrified for greater good. Beijing 08.08.08. You do it for your country. So that is okay if you do not share the same vision as me.

Or if you are girls who are environmental friendly, you need to wear recycle-ble shoes arent you?

Ok, so not all girls have the same obsession as me.

But me and my high heels went way back. We have history together.
They always been there for me. Through happiness and sadness together.

Starting with my first presentation in front of class when i was still in uni. I still remember i wear a knee length leather boots (with 6cm heels) with grey pencil skirt and white turtleneck cashmere. I felt good when i slip those boots, and i felt good when i stand in front of the class. Eventhough my presentation is absolutely crap, at least i looked good (OK, i think i looked good, i dont know what other people think, i did look good didnt I? didnt I???)

And the exhiliration i felt everytime i get off from my metallic blue prelude VTIR sports car, and the first thing people notice is my blue retro heels.

The time when i dance all night in the hip club (eventhough the heels are killing me, and by the time i reach home in the morning, i positively cant feel anything waist down) but it is alright, cause nothing match the satisfaction when i do the entrance and the boost i have when people are looking at me (or maybe they are looking at my hot friend, but who care, i always stand close by her)

And the heels were there when i did my first interview.

In fact, i admit i may score my big corporate job in one of the big four accounting firm as my boss fascinated with my heels. I love her heels, and she mine. Well we great mind thinks alike. But i like to think that i score the job because of my brain.

And the heels were there during my first heartbreak and of course my first love... (but i am not ready to write those in the blog. Not yet. I am shy you know)

Anyway, i love my heels.
eventhough some people might not understand this.

Height cant be hiden, nor it can be changed. Might as well enhance it.

That is my copyrighted answer when everyone ask my why i still wear a 7cm heels (at least) when i am already a 170cm myself

Note: if by any chances you were located in Europe when you read this blog, please ignore this page, as this definately does not apply to you, FYI i live among the cute petite little people known as asian people who produce, market and sell cheap products to your countries, and before they are sold in your market, the people of your country mark it up by 900% first. and it still is cheaper.

Am I not entitled to enjoy the thrill and excitement when I slip on thos new Charles&Keith new charcoal vernis slingback?

Am I not entitled to enjoy the look of jealousy from other girls when they see it slips smoothly to my manicured feet? (Yup. I took greatest pain to make sure that my feet always ALWAYS in best condition)

By risking being a bitch, i still need to stated the facts that my height and enhancement due to my Charles&Keith has certain, let say benefits:

1. None of my boss ever scold me standing up. And if they ever choose to scold me while they are sitting down, all i have to do is standing up. Lenghten my spine. and stand closer.
They always loss their moment. Work everytime. Like a charm.

2. It easy for me to look for certain person in a crowd (and yup i can easily spot cute guys in da club, or i can easily spot certain people i would rather avoid coming, so i have headstart to run the other way)

3. Inside a lift, people usually give me some space, as coming closer to me will only magnify the height difference between me and those less unfortunate girls (sorry girls, me just stating the facts here)

But of course those 180cm and above guys who are not intimidated by tall girls are ussually still around, as the way i like it (and if you look like CK underwear model and drive a two door european car, you are welcome to come closer - space are too overrated anyway)

4. Convenient to pick up books in top shelves in the library (not that i ever visit one, but just in case you know...)

5. Did i mentioned that my height attract other tall people. Dont have intention to be mean, but i dont want to attact short guys either, you know.

6. In the crowd, who do you think they notice first. The tall one or the short one? (Mostly the hot one first, but after that then.. they may look at the tall one first)

7. With 170cm plus plus, i definately can wear everything and anything, short skirt, long skirt, long pant, hot pants, sarong, sack dress, ball dress, cocktail dress, trench coat, long coat, short coat and the power suit, and yes, even your bf's shirt and boxers looks good on me (okay, you are not suppose to know that).

do i need to go on with the list?

Anyway, that is the story of me and my heels
Me and my Charles&Keith